What are the reasons behind impossible love and why do we experience it?  Need, admiration, pain, love, care, compassion for another, emotional dependence… There are an infinite number of ways to answer this question.

The reasons behind impossible love

Since the dawn of time, impossible love has  filled our hearts, shelves and walls. The greatest literary and artistic successes succumb to the pain of impossible love that breaks down or simply has never existed outside their minds. 

Romeo and Juliet, La Celestina, The Princess and the Crazy Knights, Don Juan Tenorio,  and  The Young Werther’s Sufferings  are some of the greatest literary successes we all remember as stories of love and broken hearts in young people who were never destined to belong together.

Fairy tales, Disney movies with their eternal love and soap operas with hundreds of twists before a happy ending have led us to believe that love is omnipotent and that everything will inevitably end well.

But nothing could be further from reality: Not all love is possible and not all love must be fought for.  Some just have to walk by and others do not live up to the  beautiful feeling of love. For this reason, it is sometimes better to let go of what is unattainable.  

As you may have guessed, the literary and artistic ingredient guarantees success, as it has a good advantage: We can all identify with the impossible love. But what are the reasons behind impossible love?

Why do we love people we can not get?

Endless love is exhausting, troublesome and destructive.  But unfortunately, our emotional development has not been sufficient to avoid  this type of suffering  and we bury ourselves in towers of broken glass that do nothing but harm us.

Maybe it’s a mistake from the romance that made us believe we are on the right path despite the pain we feel at the bottom of our heart. But what happens to us? Why do we constantly feel this impulse, this fatal attraction? Here are some of the reasons:

1. Emotional anxiety

Sometimes we want and need someone to be close to, no matter who they are, to just be with us and calm us down. This need causes a lot of anxiety that can only be calmed by having the object of our desire nearby.

When this person is not there, the anxiety grows and grows,  causing that person to suffer and constantly search for their love, to calm down. According to psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip R. Shaver, this is really  unhealthy.

2. Our ideas of romance: To fight against all odds

As we said before, we have learned that love must be through thick and thin. But should we take everything that comes? If we do, it is not by choice, but because we are forced to do so through belief (untrue and harmful).

3. The attention

It is very simple. Although it’s hard for us to believe,  we sometimes fall hopelessly in love with someone just because they show us a little bit of attention.  This, of course, speaks to a host of emotional needs and the need to feel accepted.

4. Wants, does not want

Oddly enough, some people fall for impossible love, one of the reasons behind impossible love is simply because they want to avoid intimacy.  These elusive people tend to live in an ideal fictional reality where their love can remain idealized.

According to psychologist Linda Hatch: “They seek out relationships where the other person will reject or abandon them. It is a way to feel “safe” against vulnerabilities in true intimacy. Closeness to another person becomes something that is perceived as dangerous. ”

5. The unattainable person increases their value

This is the ideal of platonic love as unhappy love.  Hector G. Barnes confirms: “The logic is simple enough: limited resources raise value and abundant resources lower it. ”

The same product becomes a luxury because we can not get it, the unattainable person is valued to unimaginable limits.  Who could be more exclusive than a committed person who never gives up the relationship? Or more desirable than someone someone everyone wants (such as the actor or the prettiest guy in the class)?

6. Admiration

In love there should be mutual admiration. But there is “love” where admiration only goes one way. In these cases, it is the cause that maintains the desire. All relationships that begin solely for this reason are doomed to break down.

Is it really love?

As we have seen, the reasons behind impossible love can answer a wide range of questions. Each case has its own reasons and feelings. What is clear, however, is that it is not a healthy form of love.

Love is not just happiness but also opportunity. Sometimes the only thing that binds us to this feeling is an adrenaline rush and having something to live for.

How can we overcome impossible love?

The first step is to realize that even if we are attracted to them,  it is not certain we are able to live a healthy, constructive and fulfilling life with this person.

We have to realize that idealization is a natural step in the process of falling in love, but even this is, little by little, exhausting. It is important to understand that people do not correspond to prototypes or ideals of perfect love.  Our choice of partner should be based on who they are and not ideals. 

This does not mean that we cannot be romantic or that our partner or relationship may not fulfill some of these ideals.  It is possible and desirable to make that happen, but there are some non-negotiable principles that we must not forget.

What do you think are the reasons behind impossible love?